


our reunion almost breaks me

by EllaYuki



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: 'Searching for A.W.' Arc, Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Feels, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 15:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaYuki/pseuds/EllaYuki
Summary: allen’s thoughts through his reunion with kanda and johnny to him fainting under the bridge





	our reunion almost breaks me

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the 'Searching for A.W.' arc (well, for volume 23 in general).

he doesn’t break out of his clown persona when he sees johnny, but it’s a very close thing. he keeps juggling, keeps balancing on the ball, keeps entertaining, trying hard to keep his composure, even as he shoves his hat in front of the man, asking for money, because he hadn’t expected this.

he knew he might run into someone from the order eventually, it’s not like he’s been keeping strictly to small villages and towns, but he didn’t think it would be _johnny of all people._

he almost _does_ stop juggling when he hears and sees kanda yuu.

because if johnny being here is unexpected (he doesn’t remember if he’s ever seen him outside the order’s premises), but kanda being here, alive, seemingly well, _wearing the order’s uniform and carrying mugen again_ is… well. he doesn’t really know what it is but it shocks him more than seeing johnny.

sure, he’s happy kanda’s alive the small smile that he tries to fight down betrays him (if only to himself), and he’s happy he seems healthy (as in, he doesn’t look like he might literally crumble into dust with a stronger breeze like the last time he saw him), but he _doesn’t understand._

he knows how much kanda hates the order and this war and anything and everything to do with it… so he doesn’t understand why he’d come back, why he’d take the sword back (and he can still remember kanda’s pure hatred for innocence, clearer than he can remember a lot of things), why he’d once again let himself be swallowed up into this mess that took everything from him.

he doesn’t understand but he can’t let himself focus on that right now, not when he doesn’t want to blow his cover, not when he has to earn enough money for food and another train ride, not when he has to concentrate on keeping nea at bay.

so he keeps smiling, keeps juggling, and ignores the glares and the murderous aura coming from the other exorcist, and sighs in relief when the two finally leave.

that relief doesn’t last very long.

because the akuma finds him and almost kills a child in the process.

because kanda and johnny come back and now they know it’s him under all that makeup, and he barely manages to shake them off once, but they find him again.

because link is dead and it’s all his fault.

(because kanda is back and that’s probably his fault, too, somehow.)

because the wound from mugen still throbs and hurts and won’t heal and crown clown won’t stop acting up since apocryphos messed with it.

because the hallucinations are getting worse and start hitting at the worst possible times and he has problems telling dream from reality from memory sometimes.

and for a moment, he feels overwhelmed.

everything is just… too much, way too much, and when the darkness creeps up on him and the world narrows to kanda’s angry face, his firm grip, and his voice telling him that he and alma were free thanks to him, allen can’t help the way he sinks just into unconsciousness.

because he knows that now he can finally rest for a moment.


End file.
